I have a love/ hate relationship with exercising vulnerability. Vulnerability has always been somewhat of a curse word to me. For so long I didn’t understand why. Maybe this is the same for you or quite the opposite! This topic has come up recently for me which probably means God is dropping hints.
Growing up, I was raised by my mother and grandmother. In some ways, I considered this an advantage but it came with its deeply rooted disadvantage.While I credit a lot of my upbringing, morals, values and success to God first and them them, it’s taken me to become a adult to realize the impact of generation culture norms had on my inability to be vulnerable.
My grandmother was considered the “matriarch” of the family. She was the epitome of the curse phrased, “strong Black woman”( bonus curse word). My mother had my brother and I during her younger years. That came with its own problems that she had to figure out. I watched as my grandmother modeled how women had to be everything to everyone and twice as good at it. I saw her continuous hard work pay off into a successful career. She was and still has a strong, independent, and unbreakable presence. While she passed the wisdom she learned within her generation down to me, I couldn’t help but wonder how necessary but exhausting this had to be.
It wouldn’t be until a decade or so later that I would learn the level of exhaustion for myself; firsthand. I tried my hand at doing things within the realms of the wisdom I received. I carried myself with strength, independence, and grace. If unbothered was a person, I was it. No one would ever guess that I was freaking out underneath. I never let anyone see me sweat or vulnerable. This brought both pride and pain. Pride because I felt like I was somewhat perfect ( for pretending I had it all together) and pain because I was cracking under pressure of appearing perfect. Trust was not a thing that had come easy to me in the process.I had learned to be tough but very little teaching on how to be vulnerable and allow myself to really express how I feel.
God stopped the cycle that I was blindly continuing. In the form of my own painful loss, God sent me so low that I could only fall to my knees. For once, I had to confront just how not okay and broken I was. I couldn’t pretend for people, I couldn’t fake it by having that protective outer shell. It became clear to me that I was only hurting myself by faking like everything was perfect and always being “on”. It’s funny how God knows just what to do and when. 1.)I embraced my emotions, no matter how random and imperfect they were. 2.)I broke up with thinking that to be emotional is to be weak. It’s actually the opposite. 3.) I started back journaling my inner thoughts. 4.)I would have daily/ weekly check ins with God to share and empty my heart and mind.
Here is to the newfound love I have to embrace vulnerability and use it as a tool to free myself and others. No more faking the funk, that helps no one! I hope that message resonated with you and was a blessing to you as you to me for reading it. Our vulnerability is our truth that will set us free. Choose freedom.
Continue to discover, accept and chase purpose. God bless you, Yes you!
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